A Wonky Chinese Experience

Met my friend Learo after work yesterday for a few beers and a couple of games of pool at The Black Horse pub off Oxford Street. It's not far from a few English language schools so you get a good mix in there of foreign students, after-work drinkers and shoppers ducking in for a bit of respite from the hordes on Oxford Street. When we meet for a drink we usually go for something to eat in Chinatown afterwards; well, we've made it a mission to eat in all of the restaurants there in an act of research and to satisfy our own culinary curiosity (if not our waistlines). Quite a mission actually given the speed with which restaurants fold and new ones spring up there.

Our traditional fuelling station was that Chinatown institution, Wong Kei (Wonky as pronounced by a waiter I overheard answering the phone once) - a restaurant of legendary status for the slapdash manner of its waiters (with the reputation of the rudest in London) and cheap but decent food. The seating system to the uninitated can seem quite strange but makes perfect sense once you realise that this is not an establishment to leisurely linger over a meal - this is an in-out slophouse of the highest order! People on their own are usually sat on the groundfloor whilst if you are plural, you're given the (in)famous direction, 'Upstairs!' or 'Downstairs!'. Regardless of where you're sent, you'll be sitting next to complete strangers (management policy to maximise seating) which always makes the visits entertaining, especially later on in the evening when everyone's had a few beers.

The sad truth is that the place is past its heyday, when the waiters were truly rude, slapping plates down in front of you with a scowl and directing you to your places with a 'You sit here!'. Now the levels of rudeness have gradually evolved to something like civility and you even get a smile and a thank you sometimes - I almost miss the 'What you want?' request the waiters used to bark when taking your order! However, there are still a few waiters there who know how to scowl and it wasn't that long ago that I was there on my own and having bent down to rummage in my bag, heard a bang and sitting up again saw that the bowl of won ton noodles I'd ordered had magically appeared unnanounced, waiter nowhere to be seen.

The full comedic value of the rude waiters who used to throw menus around and swear at you in Cantonese/Mandarin has been reduced which long-time customers bemoan, but at least the quality of the food remains. The golden rule here is to keep the orders simple - you pay cheap prices for good basic food. Don't expect to get quality steamed sea bass in soy sauce with ginger and spring onion here - you can't go wrong with the noodle soup dishes or the meat and rice combos such as barbecued (char siu) pork on rice. Change is inevitable I suppose and maybe related to commerce as they refurbished the restaurant last year to smarten it up a bit. However, the pantomime past is commemorated as you can now buy Wong Kei T-shirts with 'Upstairs!' & 'Downstairs!' on them.

Example of a classic waiter-customer dialogue I've heard in my time there:

Customer: (Having stuck his hand in the air for 5 mins to be noticed) Excuse me, can I have a knife and fork please?

Waiter: (Takes one look at the customer's plate of beef ho fun noodles) You lazy boy! No learn use chopsticks hmm?

Customer: Um, no so can I have a knife and fork...

Waiter: (Snorts) Ok, but more next time you learn chopsticks hey?
(Strides off muttering in Cantonese)

Despite this, I've never seen a knife and fork request refused there!

Anyway, Learo and I are in a moment of culinary diversification (well, in terms of Chinatown eateries) so the last few times we've been to different restaurants. Last night we went to the recently opened Chinese Experience, which was frankly disappointing. The decor is all modern and sleek to the point of being bland and the staff do not fit this interior. They are all smartly dressed but seem to have been trained with the Wong Kei manual; this kind of staff has its place in an establishment such as Wong Kei's, but in a modish restaurant charging above average prices, you expect decent and efficient service. Moreover, the food wasn't up to standard for a place seeking to be a cut above all the other restaurants in Chinatown - Learo's char siu pork on rice was half the size of its Wong Kei counterpart and the meat was actually dry and hard, making us think that the kitchen had microwaved the moisture out of it; my stir-fried rice noodles were similarly proportioned and bland.

To be fair, we arrived quite late and were told the kitchen was closing so they just managed to squeeze us in. Being a new place I suppose you can overlook staff teething problems for the moment. However, the kitchen is less easy to forgive though there have been good reviews of the dim sum menu, so a return visit at a more decent hour might yield a less wonky experience.